The Devil

So, get this. I’m on the D train with my girlfriend and across from us was this crazy lady.

She was surrounded by all these bags and plants covered with paisley paper. In fact, she was all covered in paisley.  Like she shopped at Maria von Trapp and Company.   She stared at me for a real long time. 

I finally asked her what she was staring at and she screamed..."The Devil! You are the devil!"

For a while I just sat there, but she wouldn’t stop.”You’re the devil! You are pure evil. The devil! I feel sorry for your girlfriend.” 

Finally, I blurted out “Fuck you paisley lady.  You’re crazy.  Just leave us alone.” She shut up, but every once in a while I’d catch her glancing at me.  She and her paisley bags got off two stops later.  The messed up thing about all of this is that was the fourth time that week that a crazy person called me the devil.

Yes/Yes

So many damn crazies underground it’s hard to tell who’s sane sometimes.   

I was walking on the platform and I passed this lady going “yes, yes,” “yes, yes.” 

I thought that bitch was crazy, but then I turned around to see that a train was coming. 

She was just doing the happy “train-is-coming” dance.  Goddamn.  It gets confusing sometimes. 

 

Don't You Do That!

I had recently moved to Brooklyn, and my mom came out from Ohio to see my new place. 

I   took her into the city for dinner and a Broadway show. It was her first time in New York, so we walked around Times Square after the show. It was around midnight when we got on the W headed back to Brooklyn. The train was pretty packed, but by the time we hit Rector Street it was just us and this guy on our car. He kept looking at us, and then all of the sudden he walked over to us and squeezed in between us to sit down. 

Before we could move, he put his arms around us and pulled us into him. My mom pushed his arm off and stood up. I did the same thing as the man stood up. He yelled at us to give him our purses and started to reach into his pocket. I thought that was it - we were going to get shot. 

But at that very moment my mom got right up into his face and said, “Don’t you do that!” He didn’t move and then again my mom said, “Don’t you do that!” and that time she shook her finger at him as if he was a bad child. 

The man looked at her like she was crazy, but he still didn’t move. My mom then told me to go pull the emergency cord. 

The man then turned into an overgrown kid. He dared me to do it and even stuck his tongue out at me. Thank God we arrived at the next stop and the man ran off because I had no idea where the emergency cord was. My mom let out a big sigh of relief. We got home safe that night. Too bad I can’t have my mom around all the time. 

The Telephone game

I was on the 2 train. I got on at the Borough Hall stop-the last one in Brooklyn. And I took it all the way to 135th in Harlem. This man got on the same time as me. He sat down-pulled from his bag an old fashioned rotary telephone with the cord still attached.

At first he sat there with it on his lap, but then he picked it up and started talking into it. 

“Hello? Oh, hi, how are you? Good, good, thank you.” His conversation continued all the way to 135th. “Yes, yes, it has been lovely. 

I’ll call you back later-on my way home. Ciao!” - no one said a word to him. Let his CRAZY ASS have his conversation. 

"Pow"

It was pretty late. I was on the L train headed home to Williamsburg. This normal looking guy got on and sat across from me. I was sitting there listening to my IPod when that guy made his fingers into a gun and pointed it at me. 

He yelled “Pow.” 

I sat there not sure what to do. Again he yelled “Pow.” At that point I realized he was clearly crazy. He then screamed non stop ”Pow, Pow, Pow.” 

I couldn’t take it anymore and I can’t believe I did this, but I got up, looked him directly in his eyes and yelled “Wow” and then calmly but quickly walked to the next car for the rest of my ride home. 

--Submitted by U.E.